26 January 98 
 
Two things I will talk about today: ribbons & lies. 
 
	First off, a week or so ago, I heard on local news that some  
people in upstate New York were going to commemorate the hard work of  
electrical crews, et. al. by wearing purple ribbons.  I read in the New  
York Blade this morning of a "Free to Marry" day, or some such, to be  
commemorated by tying knots in lavendar ribbons and affixing them to  
things.  They also mentioned that lavendar ribbons are what Paula Jones is  
using to indicate _something_ related to her lawsuit against the  
President.  (Just for the record, for anyone who happens to be reading  
this some years... or even a month from now, the President is Bill  
Clinton). 
 
	This ribbon thing is getting out of hand.  The first ribbon cause  
I ever knew about was the red-ribbon-on-the-car-antenna for MADD.  Then  
yellow ribbons (on old oak trees) for veterans.  I suppose I had learned  
about blue ribbons for first place, red for second, and white for third  
(or honorable mention) for awhile.  After all, I got a blue ribbon for my  
anti-shoplifting slogan in the second grade: "Don't [be with, hang out  
with, what?] shoplifters.  They mean trouble."  Man, I wrote a first grade  
poem with more creativity than that.  I must have been sliding. 
 
	Ribbons irritate the hell out of me.  Ever since seeing college  
girls with ribbons in their hair I have wanted to yell "DAMMIT, you're not  
in high school anymore!  Get those damn ribbons out."  But I realized said  
ribbons separated the women from the girls (more specifically, sorority  
girls), so it was probably in the better interest of social engineering in  
any case. 
 
	Note to Carey: You are a cheerleader, so ribbons are justified for  
you.  Just don't overdo it. 
 
	Why ribbons?  Someone _please_ tell me.  I think part of it is due  
to our country becoming more visual and less verbal.  Sure, ribbons are  
cheap, but so are buttons and just saying what you believe.  Actually,  
some of these ribbons are quite expensive -- I've seen a "red ribbon" AIDS  
pin bordered by diamonds that was a little pricey.  Besides, sometimes it  
makes for a good guessing game: pink ribbon -- fighting against breast  
cancer, just had a baby girl, what?  Perhaps this ribbon thing is because  
people have forgotten how to initiate conversations, and such ornaments  
are a good way to have a good jumping-off point. 
 
	In any case, I prefer not to indicate positions more controversial  
than "Math: The Wave of the Future" on my person.  I make people work to  
talk to me.  Not really.  I just don't want to listen to anybody else's  
opinions. 
 
	Just kidding.  Or am I? 
 
	Which brings me to lying.  I read in the New York Times today of a  
device, which in _real-time_ is supposed to indicate whether a person on  
the phone is lying.  It supposedly does this by noting if the frequency of  
a person's voice has changed from a certain baseline, and other indicators  
of voice stress.  The first problem with this is: humans can do this as  
well.  I can tell if someone's tone has changed.  I have no high frequency  
hearing loss, yet.  The second thing: a person's voice will be under  
stress only if the lie is stressful to the person.  Having been a child,  
and one with two siblings, and unencumbered by the "cute" factor, I've  
learned to lie quite effectively without any feelings of guilt.  Most  
people I lie to deserve exactly what they hear.  I don't have to lie much  
now, though, since I can tell most inquisitors "None of your damn  
business" rather than answering.   
 
	So now I will tell you my two favorite lying techniques: 
 
	* Telling the truth/ Flip-flop method 
 
	* Not telling the whole truth 
 
 
	The first technique I use on Amy when she asks impertinent,  
personal questions that she does not need to know the answer to. 
 
	Amy: Did you (have sex, spank the monkey, pee in your pants) ? 
 
	Me: Yes, of course. 
 
	Amy: Naw, you didn't -- you couldn't have -- tell the truth. 
 
	Me: You're right you got me, I was lying. 
 
	Amy: No, you did, didn't you -- 
 
	Me: Yeah, I was lying the second time. 
 
	It kind of goes around and around like this.  For yes/no questions  
I tend to use this technique, just flip-flopping.  I like to start out  
with the true answer, but sometimes to keep her off balance, I'll start  
with the lie.  If it's the case of something descriptive, I tell the  
absolute, whole truth in way she just won't believe me.  I like that. 
 
	The second method involves answering only those questions asked  
_literally_.  This is my technique of avoiding blame.  Once I got Amy in  
trouble for something _I_ did, because I just kept my mouth shut.  Since  
this was making up for things that I got blamed for, or that Amy got out  
of for being cute, I didn't feel too guilty about this. 
 
	In some of these cases, I suppose someone could note the level of  
amusement in my voice when I use these techniques, but it won't get them  
much of anywhere.  Especially if I don't say anything.