16 July 00 (Very very early in the morning in Vancouver) 
 
Okay.  I know I've been pretty much not personal in these pages so far, 
just talking about things going on, but not necessarily the state of my 
mind or heart or anything. 
 
I've almost about had it.  I swear.  I love Mathcamp, but I really think 
in some ways it's bad for my mental health.  There's so much shit going 
down all the time, so many problems to deal with, and things to worry 
about.  Anyway, I can't go much on and on about that, so I'll just talk 
about me. 
 
So, let's see.  What's Meep been up to?  Yelling herself hoarse at 
adolescents doing stupid adolescent tricks (if that ... I don't think =I= 
or any of =my= friends were doing such dumb-ass, inconsiderate things), 
look, I'll stop here. 
 
I'm tired of being a fucking authority figure.  These kids are old enough 
and smart enough to realize what they're doing is really dumb, dangerous, 
irresponsible or whatever other adjectives you'd like to add to that.  I 
REALLY need to get going on my research or ANY work of my own and this is 
NOT going to happen.   
 
It also doesn't help that a few of my friends seem to have decided to cut 
that last tenuous thread to sanity, and I see them beckoning from the 
other side of a very narrow chasm.  It is VERY VERY tempting.  I am tired 
of sanity.  It's been quite a while since I tasted of the forbidden fruit 
of unloosing my mind, and it's usually not very pretty when I do it. 
 
What really pisses me off is that I feel disconnected in a certain 
sense.  People who are very important to me are at a very far distance to 
me - my ma, stu, brad, ryan, my sisters, my relatives, et. al.  I talk 
with them all the time - online, on the phone, in email, etc. BUT DAMMIT I 
WANT CONTACT!  There's a feeling of unreality in contact because there's 
so much more missing information, information I would've known had I still 
been in Raleigh, or near these people.  I will be happier once Stu moves 
to New York, but still it's not like I'm going to be able to see him that 
much.  I'm really stressing out about my thesis which looks like it won't 
get done next year.  I've had many different people yell at me about this, 
and I've just about had it.   
 
 
YARGH YARGH YARGH 
 
 
thbt.