Lights all black except Christmas lights.

Voice: Bing! Noah.

Lights on frantic Noah at the control panel [twitch with each bing] and T standing beside him

There are fifteen campers missing in Logan airport.

Bing! Noah. Portland airport has been just taken over by terrorists.

Bing! Noah. Bangor airport just blew up.

T: Bing! Hey, Noah! Look what I can do! Bing! Heehee. Bing! Bingbingbingbingbingbing...

Noah: Stoppit!!!!!

T: Sorry. <sniff, run/walk off, come back> Bing! <run back off> Heehee...

Tivon enters from behind Noah, taps him on the shoulder, Noah jumps.

Noah: Tivon!

Tivon: Noah, Dave told me to give you the final draft of the first week schedule, to look over. Since you're not busy, can you take care of that for me ASAP?

Noah reacts. Refer to Martin. Dan enters, h is steps beating out "boof, piff, ba-boof, boof, piff"

Dan: <grunt>

Tivon: What's that, Dan? You say there's a staff meeting in fifteen minutes? Okay, let's go.

Noah still reacts. Dan and Tivon start leaving. Lights off.

Staff Meeting

The staff is in a semi-circle, divided JC/mentors. Ari and Dave are in the middle.

Dave: Well, everyone, I've got the new schedule. Anyone want to see it?

Everyone: Oh, yeah!

JCs all get one copy total, while the mentors get one copy each. Ari looks over a mentor's shoulder.

Mentors: (varied) Yes! No 9AM classes! (etc. and general celebration)

Dave hands a copy to Noah.

Dave: Noah, there's a problem with the schedule. We can't fit the name of your class in the box, especially with all the stars after it.

Noah: Which <twitch> class?

Dave: ‘Analysis of Transfinite Subpolynormal Woffle Theory with respect to the Q-series of codimensional quasi-special piffles.'

Noah: Oh no! That's my favorite class!

Dave: It's OK. We abbreviated it to ‘Anal. Woffle'.

Meanwhile, the JCs carefully search the schedule for their own classes, but...

Dan: <grunt question>

Sameer: Dan 's right! None of us are on the schedule! This stinks!

Brenda: <ranting. Feel free to change> Of course this stinks! You know, this has been way too much! Every year, the JCs do all the work and the mentors get all the credit! Maybe we'd like to teach some classes too! There are things that we can teach better than you old fogeys! Like Dan can teach his class of Big Computer Go Boom, and Yvonne can do dissecting the Hyperbolic Plane, and I was all ready for my Why Calculus Sucks Part 18! And another thing!...

Ari: Guys! Guys! Stop it! You have to listen to me... You know how it goes...Boof, piff, ba-boof, boof, piff! <starts rapping>

Yeah you mentors treat the JCs like dirt,

You can see it inside their souls, they hurt.

Cuz there's no way that this camp can survive,

If the morale is taking a nosedive.

And the JCs feel hated, and damn, they're right.

And all of you people are set to fight

What you need is to be more calm and cool

What you're doing is just acting like fools

Cuz no one's right, and no one's wrong,

So can't we all just get along?

Silence, five seconds. Fidget.

Dave: Yeah. Whatever. Sure. All right. Fine. One of you JCs run this off for me. <waves around the schedule>

Brenda: Um, sure. I'll do it. <gets the schedule> Heehee.

Dave: The campers are due to arrive. We must make preparations.

All leave.

The End of Noah

Lights back on Noah at the panel, even more stressed out than before if possible.

Voice: Bing! Noah.

All campers run in, wreak havoc, run out.

The campers have arrived.

Noah crashes.

Witch Scene

Lights gradually brighten from dim or black to about ¾ on. Ride of the Valkaries is hummed by JCs as they enter. Brenda and 3 JCs scurry on from wings, sneaking and looking suspicious. They gather in the center. The other 3 JCs come on, carrying a big garbage can labeled cauldron.

Mike: Thrice the moth flies round the light.

Megan: Now the JCs meet at night.

Yvonne: To make the mentors fear our might.

Brenda: Round about the cauldron go.

In the rotten schedules go.

Sameer: Fractal Fern and complex plane.

Maren: ideals of rings both wild and tame.

Dan: <grunts, 7 syllables>

Yvonne: That's right, we can't forget the Klein Bottle.

Mike: For a charm of powerful trouble.

Megan: Like a coffeepot boil and bubble.

All duck for cover, then are surprised when nothing happens.

Sameer: What went wrong? Are we missing something?

Maren: We have everything but…

Dan: <grunt>

Maren: ...Rn.

Mike: Rn? It'll never fit; it's not compact!


Megan: What about R0; that's just a point.

Yvonne: Yeah, I've got a point right here!

Yvonne throws in a point, again nothing happens.

Yvonne: Well, our plan to curse them failed. What do we do now?

Brenda: Well, I did just throw away the old schedule, heeheehee. Let's make a new one.

All gather in a little cluster in the center, make planning noises, look generally suspicious.

Sameer: By the pricking of my thumbs,

Something wicked this way comes.

JCs flee the stage, leaving the cauldron behind. Tomas walks on from the other side, looking confused. He peers into the cauldron, looks more confused and walks off the way the JCs left, dragging cauldron. Lights dim as Tomas walks out.


The staff is standing in a line, facing the (assembly) audience. It's toward the end of assembly.

Ari: All right, I'm finally out of sticky notes.

Noah throws a pack of sticky notes at Ari's head.

Ari: Ow!

Ari picks up the pack of sticky notes, stares at it, shrugs, and throws it over his shoulder and hits Noah, if possible.

Noah: Ow!

Ari: Now for the schedule.

Ari passes the schedules out to the phantom students as well as the staff. The mentors start looking them over and freak out. The JCs are snickering with delight. Ari finally looks at a copy of his own, and also freaks out.

Ari: Okay, this assembly's over!!!!!

Mentors: I have all 9AM classes! This sucks. What? Four classes in a row?

General teasing and cheering from the JCs. Make sure the mentors are still audible, though.

Ari: What about me? My real analysis class is scheduled against Conway!

Everyone except Ari starts leaving arguing/celebrating. Avoid eye contact with Ari.

Mentors: We'll talk later! This isn't the end of this!

Ari: I'm scheduled against Conway!

All exit. Ari stands there for a few seconds. Look down. Fume. Look up. Fume. Say in a very quiet yet menacing and vengeful anger-filled voice:

Ari: This isn't the end of this.

Lights cut off.


Mentors and JCs walk on from opposite sides, square off, lines diagonally facing each other.

Chris: (mumbling faintly)

All JCs: What?

Mark K: He said, you JCs have gotten too big for your boots.

Dan: <Looks at size 15 shoes> Hmmmh?

Chris: (mumbles some more)

Brenda: What?! What did you call us?! You know... <Inhales to rant>

All freeze and move back. Dave steps forward.

British scene!

Dave: And now for something completely different!

Bright lights, enter Julian and Alice.

Julian: Hello, Alice!

Alice: Hello, Julian! What do you think of this weather?

Julian: It's marvelous! I do so love it by Colby Lake!

Alice: So! How were your classes today?

Julian: Wonderful! I do so enjoy these maths!

Alice: Oh goody! Which maths were you working on today?

Julian: Oh, today, I had a wonderful session of Ring Theory!

Alice: That's nothing compared to what I did today in Lie Algebras!

Julian: Oh, no, no! Ring Theory is some funky maths.

Alice: Lie Algebras are much funkier.

Julian: Are you daft, woman?

Alice: Did you just call me daft?

Julian: I blooming well did!

Alice: Daft! Blimey, you're daft! Lie Algebras are far more complex!

Julian: I could run rings around Lie Algebra!

Alice: Ring Theory's just theoretical nonsense! Lie Algebras have practical applications.

Julian: Whatever do you mean? Without Ring Theory, Lie Algebras wouldn't even exist. It's all in this textbook! <whip out a textbook> Looklooklooklooklooklooklook…

Continue arguing, move off stage.

Dave: And now back to our story!

Megan: <Cutting Brenda off, talks to Chris> I don't like you.

Mark: Who cares what you think? You all are just a bunch of lowly JCs anyway.

Mike: Lowly? You think we're inferior to you?

Joanna: That's right, inferior in every way.

Sameer: Is that a challenge?

Tivon: Any time, anywhere.

Yvonne: Well then, we, the JCs, challenge you, the mentors, to a "fun" game of Torment the Campers.

Mentors: <As one> You're on!

Start Mars music.

Ari: I don't remember that game in Fun...

Lights fade out quickly.

Montage of Pain

Scene opens with all JCs off stage, to the left, mentors offstage to right.

In lounge:

Dan enters, roars and grins as campers scurry away.

Camper: No, not Dan!

Dan kicks back and relaxes on the couch with a big MARTI textbook.

In computer lab:

Camper: Joanna, what happened to all our games?

Joanna: Well, I have no idea how it happened, but xpilot and Alpha Centauri seem to have been "accidentally" erased. Sorry, but there's nothing I can do.

Campers: Hey, Megan, look! I solved the 3x3x3!

Megan: So, you think you know the Rubik's cube? Why don't we have a little race? But, just to make it fun, let's use this 125x75x93 one. That's not a problem is it?

On a hike:

Mark enters, holding hiking stick, fresh and energetic, followed by 2 or 3 really tired campers.

Campers: Mark, are we there yet?

Mark: I told you this would be a hardcore hike! Come on, we're only 17 miles from the top.

In class:

Brenda: So today in "Why Calculus sucks, part 18", we're going to destroy the underpinnings of all of your knowledge of calculus. That won't be a problem, will it?

Campers: No, Brenda, no!

In class:

Tomas: Today we're going to do the famous Sherlock Holmes vs. Moriarty problem. You guys get one chance to outthink me. Bwahahahaha...

Campers: So, if he goes to Williams and we go to Marriner...

Sameer is standing, while Mike flutters around him and the campers are clustered in a tight circle, prone.

Campers: Sameer's epilepsy inducingly blinding clothing is unstoppable, and no one can defeat Mike's moth antlers of doom!

In class:

Noah: So, today in Analysis of Transfinite Subpolynormal Woffle Theory with respect to the Q-series of codimensional quasi-special piffles, we will be using piffles, which are woffles that don't satisfy the lower regular Q-property, to derive the rest of the theorems in mathematics. Tomorrow, we will finish with the theorems that haven't been written yet.


Campers: So, how many stars is this class, Noah?

Swing dancing:

Maren: What do you mean you aren't having fun?

Campers: Well, we've been dancing for 7 hours straight. When do we get a break? Maren? Please?

Maren: Breaks are for the weak.

Chris runs after campers with paper tor-fish

Campers: Ahhh! His evil piranha tor-fish are ripping our flesh off...

In topology class

Yvonne: Since no one understands the dissection of the torus, I'll have to demonstrate on one of you...

In Fourier Analysis

Tivon: So now, we can represent this whole curve with one simple equation.

He writes on the chalkboard:

He reads this as:

Tivon: I sub N is the sum for the index i from 0 to i of e to the i pi times i plus Nu over n times N sub i

Sight pause.

Tivon: Except I don't like the letter sigma, so I'll just make it a big I instead.

He erases sigma and writes I.

In class:

Igor: Now class, today I'm going to teach you how to defeat monster equations, but first you have to promise me not to tell the other mentors what I'm doing. Okay?

Campers: We promise, Igor.

Darth Mira

High spinny chair with its back to the audience, Dave is standing there looking authoritative and menacing. Knocking.

Dave: Enter.

Igor walks in, looking really, really nervous.

Igor: You wanted to see me, Dave?

Dave: Yes. First, I think you'd be pleased to know that a certain notorious member of our...team has returned to us.

Igor: You mean...no! Not...you can't possibly! Never...You don't mean...

The Imperial theme starts playing, Darth Mira Enters. (Yes, capital E. You know what I'm talking about.) Meanwhile, Dave and Igor's heads snap towards Darth Mira's entrance. The music fades out when she's finished entering.

Mira: Yes, Igor. It is I.

Igor: ...Darth Mira!

Dave: Yes, Darth Mira!

Mira: Igor...I have heard...disturbing news about your recent activities.

Igor is positively quivering in his boots at this point.

Igor: What on earth are you talking about? I have no idea! Really...

Mira: Do not lie, Igor. I know that during the competition you have been teaching the rebel campers how to defeat Monster Equations.

Igor: I apologize, my lord, but the campers are innocents in this pointless war.

Mira: I find your lack of faith disturbing, Igor.

At this point, a sound comes from the spinny chair. Is it a camera click? Giggling? Who knows. Figure out whatever works best.

Dave: Emperor?

Mira: What is thy bidding, my master?

At this point, the spinny chair starts to spin around dramatically, but it doesn't stop spinning. T's sitting in it, giggling, waving his feet and snapping wildly with his camera.

T: Nothing! You're doing fine, Darth Mira!

He continues spinning for a while, until Mira walks over and stops the chair so that T's facing away from the audience again. She walks back to her former spot.

Igor: I'm sorry my lord, please spare me. I can do better, please... Mira starts making the strangly hand motions and begins choking

Mira: You will not fail me again.

Igor falls over dead. Draw it out. Make it campy and dramatic.

Dave: Now that that's taken care of, let's actually get to business!

Mira: Yes... The next logical step in this contest of camper misery would be... relays!

Dave: Perfect! Relays!

They both start laughing/chuckling maniacally. T joins in with his giggling, and the two immediately stop laughing. T continues laughing for a split second, then also stops.

T: Sorry.

Dave and Mira continue laughing without T, until the lights dim away.

The Relays

Scene opens with 2 teams of cheerful campers, 1 team of JCs, mentors lined up on one side.

Camper 1: Wow, the staff here is great. They're so cool.

Camper 2: I know, they're all wacky and energetic.

Dave and Brenda overhear.

Dave: Curses!

Brenda: Foiled again!

JCs: Brenda! We need you!

Brenda leaves the company of the mentors to join the hog-tied JCs.

Dave: <to Mira> Shoot! The JCs' handicap is not enough. They are still winning. We need something else...

Julie enters.

Julie: I brought the Thai food!

Dave and Mira rub their chins and hmm speculatively. Mentors snicker, etc. They take a table and place it next to the JCs, blocking off Ari. They begin wafting the Thai smell over to the JCs.

Mike: I sense Thai!

Mike gets up and begins eating. Then mentors quicken their pace, as more JCs get to the table to eat. Mentors start eating faster, as do the JCs. Soon an eating contest is in full swing. The JCs' score stops, and the campers overtake them. After all JCs but Dan are at the table, Ari comes up from behind, and stealthy begins to assassinate all the Mentors and JCs poison samurai swords-style. This continues as Dan gets up and joins the eating contest. Dan scarfs the food like a starving bear on crack as Ari continues his massacre. Soon only Dan, Maren, Dave and Mira are left on stage. Dan finishes eating.

Maren: Awww... Dan ate all the food.

Dave: <enraged> That's IT! You JCs are going down!

The four move to the front, and prepare to fight. As Dave and Maren lunge towards each other, Ari 'stabs' Dave as Darth Mira chokes Maren with her 'magic telepathic chokey grip' thing. Ari then kills Mira, and Dan begins rejoicing at his apparent victory. Ari makes a dramatic finishing blow to Dan, and he slumps to the floor. Cue Champion-ish music (Chariots of Fire). Ari stands victorious.

Fade to black


Stage all black. Voice in the dark.

Voice: It was the dawn of the third age of Mathcamp, two days after the JC/Mentor war. The Ari Project was a dream given form. Its goal, to prevent another war by creating a place where JCs and Mentors couldn't exist. Campers and Ari wrapping their minds around two million five hundred thousand tons of real analysis, all alone in the day. It could be a dangerous place, but it was Ari's last best hope for a full class. This is the story of the last of the Mathcamp staff. The year is 2001. The name of the place is Arey 5.

Lights fade on to Ari with blackboard facing a ‘full' class (the audience).

Ari: Well looks like another full class in Real Analysis. Today we will be talking more about compactness...

Fade to black.


Meep, last updated Aug 2001